Mirkwood Revealed in more ways than one
by Aishachan13
Summary: After a really weird happining Legolas say that he must leave to go to Mirkwood. Aragorn and Gimli go with him but they learn that the Elves need to 'repopulate' and basicly go at it 24 hours a day. But the royal family is even weirder
1. Mice, rats, and lice

Disclaimer: I don't own LoTR. I'm not Tolkien or anyone related to him so I don't own it.

Warning: Gah. Were do I start on this one? There is so much stuff in this story… Well I guess that the warnings should be that there is a lot of hinting at sex and swearing and just weird stuff…

By the way the first chapter isn't very good but it gets better.

**Mirkwood Revealed (in more ways than one)**

It all began one day in Gondor. This day was actually a very good day, with no problems other than the normal ones that almost all kingdoms encountered. Things like 'oh my shoes hurt' or 'the cow I bought from him died three days after I got it' or 'it's too hot, too cold and I'm tiered'….

Over all, after the war of the ring the citizens of Gondor thought that they had earned the right to bitch as much as they wanted…

Anyway it was a relatively clear day an you could see for quite a distance and looking into the distance was exactly what a random guard on the seventh level of the city was doing. (When I say random I mean it. He could have died and came back to life an no one would have noticed…) He had just about finished scanning the horizon when he noticed a large mass coming at the city. He stared for a second then called over another one of the guards.

"What is that?" The other guard stared too and then shrugged.

"I dunno…." They stared for a second, still trying to decide what it was. As they stared others came to see what it was that had their fellow guards so enthralled. As soon as they looked they too stood and tried to decide what it was.

"I still don't think that-…." Aragorn trailed off as he found that all of the guards that should have been doing….. Things were simply standing and looking off into the distance.

"What are you doing?" He asked as he walked over to them. One pointed to the mass which was much closer and almost distinguishable. Aragorn now joined his guards in wondering what the hell it was.

"And that is why Dwarf women have beards." Gimli finished sounding very please with himself. Legolas thought, didn't seem to be paying attention to him.

"What was that Gimli?" He asked absent mindedly.

"I said-" Legolas stopped him as he turned to see the mass of thing hurling at them.

"No…" He said, interrupting the Dwarf. Gimli glared at Legolas as the Elf ran over to the wall, shoving guards away as he did, and looked at the mass that was now pretty much on top of them.

"What the HELL?" One of the guards asked. "It looks like a bunch of… mice?" He finished, disbelievingly. Another guard squinted at the mass.

"And rats…." It was right then that the flying mass dropped directly onto Gondor and it was then that they realized that there was another creature that they hadn't seen.

Lice.

As the people ran around screaming and yelling and all that stuff Aragorn simply stood in place, looking mystified, Legolas had all the animals and things bounce off of him when they were within two inches of his skin (Because of his awesome and probably magical Elven cleanliness powers), and Gimli came up to them scratching his beard.

"I have lice! And they itch! Aragorn aren't you itchy?" The king of men looked down at the dwarf and said, in a very serous voice.

"No. I'm used to it." He said as he pointed to his head. "I used to have lice that would spell out words on my head but then Arwen made me take a bath and they all died…. I miss them…" Legolas and Gimli stared at him looking, at the least, disgusted. After a brief moment of that Aragorn seemed to snap back to the present.

"AWWW MAN! THIS SUCKS!" He yelled slapping his hands to his face. "I haven't even been king for two years yet and it starts to rain vermin and lice!" He sighed brushed back some of his dark hair and kicked a random rat.

"Just about the only way that this could get any worse is-"

"I'm leaving." Legolas said, still looking the way that the mass had come from. Aragorn snapped his head towards Legolas, staring at him wide eyed and in horror.

"THAT WAS IT!… Oh and why are you leaving?" He asked the second question as an after thought. Legolas looked over at the two of them seriously, something that isn't gonna happen a lot in this fic, and bowed his head.

"Something important is going on in Mirkwood. I feel that I need to be there…"

"But how can you tell?" Gimli asked, using one of his like ten lines in this fic.

"….I… I just can…" Was the uncertain reply that they received from Legolas.

"Well then I'm coming with you lady." Gimli said patting Legolas. This was unfortunate as Gimli was about waist height and ending up patting the Mirkwood prince in an inappropriate spot. Legolas looked down at the dwarf quickly, trying to decide if the mishap had been intentional on his part. In the end he couldn't decide and simply left the subject alone.

"Welllll…" Aragorn looked around him at the guards that were trying to stomp on the rats and mice and others who were trying to kill the lice that had invaded their hair by hitting themselves in the head. "I really shouldn't go. I mean Gondor really needs me during this crises…." He watched as one guard knocked himself out.

"But I think that I'll be coming anyway." He smiled turning towards the Elf. Legolas looked at the two more then a little apprehensively but nodded.

"Fine. We're leaving now." He said turning and running towards the stables.


	2. WE LOVE YOU!

Disclaimer: I don't own LoTR. Kay? I'm just writing bad stories about the real books.

Warnings: Later theirs a LOT of sexual innuendo but right now not much.

Hobbit Killer: Thanks I didn't know if you wanted to be mentioned so I didn't say anything in case you didn't. I mean if I did say something everyone would know and if I didn't I could go back and change it. I think that the stories coming along nicely as well.

Lynx Yamato: Thank you too. I also think that complete randomness is funny. If you think that it's cool then you should really like this chapter.

(By the way I would like three reviews for this chapter so please review.)

**Mirkwood Revealed (in more ways than one)**

After three weeks of riding (I don't know how long it would take for them to get there so I just randomly said three weeks. Say they had really fast horses or really slow horses or something. I don't care.) the group ended up in the city outside of the palace. Aragorn reined his horse as he looked around.

"Were is everyone?" He asked. "This place looks like a ghost town." True to what Aragorn said there was no one in the city. No Elflings playing, no animals making noise, no Elves walking the streets.

Legolas looked around and nodded.

There was suddenly a huge blaring horn and the city exploded into action. People, from what Aragorn and Gimli could tell, female she-Elves (a little redundant, hu?) that wore only a sheet or so came tearing out of the buildings and ran into new ones. Aragorn looked over at Legolas.

"Hey Legolas!" He screamed trying to be sure that he would be heard over the blaring horn that just happened to stop at the same time. All most all of the she-Elves stopped as soon as they heard Legolas' name and almost the same number of male Elves came out of the buildings. There was a moment of total silence and then the entire assembly let out a collective screech of joy.

"LEGOLASSSSSS!" Was the main thing that Aragorn and Gimli heard. In fact that was just about the only thing that they heard as they were blasted backwards by the sound. The horde of Elves massed towards Legolas.

"LEGOLAS GET OUT OF THE WAY! THEY WANNA KILL YOOOOUUU!" Aragorn screamed as he put one of his hands up trying to warn his friend. Unfortunately because of the fact that he couldn't hear because of the super loud Elf screech his warning actually wasn't a scream and was just a cross between a loud talking and a yell.

"OH! YAY!" Legolas opened his arms in… what was it, Aragorn wondered, an invitation? He was inviting the attack? But then the people all… hugged him? Aragorn stood and stared at the mass of Elves. Gimli stared as well. Legolas seemed to be quickly, or as quick as Elves can talk cause sometimes the language seems really long, telling the Elves a story.

"Are they… hugging him?" Gimli asked. Aragorn nodded, understanding that he had his hearing back.

"I think so… I also think that some are…… humping? him….?" Legolas waded his way out of the Elves and came to stand next to Aragorn and Gimli. He smiled and patted the two of them on the backs.

"These are my friends." He said quite normally to the Elves. "They were the ones that I was talking about before."

"They were the ones that received your blessed touch?" One of the Elves, a male one, asked.

"But one is a Dwarf!" Another cried, although this time it was a female Elf. Legolas sighed and shook his head.

"I know but extreme sexual frustration can make you do odd things." Aragorn didn't seem to compute this for a moment, as he simply stood there but then he turned to Gimli.

"Did he just-" He was cut off by the lamenting cries of the Elves.

"What happened?" Legolas closed his eyes as if recalling some horrible memory.

"I could only have one at a time…." There was a loud gasp from everyone there… or every Elf there because Aragorn and Gimli were still in the dark about what exactly was happening. "And…" The prince looked utterly distraught.

"And…?" urged the rest of the Elves.

"And I could only get to them when they were sleeping. They didn't want me in the day time so I had to resort to taking them wail they slept." At this the Elves reacted in different ways. Some of them looked amazed others didn't seem to be able to believe it at all and yet a few more glared at the two non-Elves. One Elf even picked up a stone and chucked it at Gimlis helmet.

"Waaiiiiittttt a minute." Aragorn said waving his hands around, trying to make everyone pay attention to him. Everyone did. Gimli did because he was hoping that Aragorn would ask the question that he had wanted to ask, Legolas because of the fact that he was good friends with Aragorn and as such would listen to him, and all the Elves because Legolas did. "You're saying that when you were supposed to be keeping watch for things like Orcs and Uruk-Hai you were… screwing us? And when we were sleeping?" Legolas looked a little ashamed of himself and looked down at his feet.

"Yes, Aragorn, Gmil… and I am sorry."

"You should be." Aragorn said looking disappointed. All the other Elves glared at him. After all, how dare he? How could he insult Legolas? "After all you could have just asked me and I would have done you!" At this the Elves looked a little happier.

"Same here!" Added Gimli. "I mean could you imagine what the folks back home would say if I came back and could tell them the I had screwed an Elven price." He said happily. Several Elves thru rocks at his head and this time one even hit him in the face.

"Ha." Legolas said, getting back at him for his former comment.

"ow…."

"Anyway, and thank you by the way Aragorn I'll have to take you up on that offer, I came back because of what came flying at Gondor the other day."

"Oh…. That." The Elves all said in freakish harmony. "We don't know why it happened. The king hasn't said anything about it to us." At this Legolas donned a thoughtful look.

"Then I suppose that I should go and talk to my father…" Legolas said as he glanced in the direction of the palace.

"Can I come?" asked all the Elves. Legolas looked at their pleading faces, knowing that they all wanted to come, and then looked over at Gimli and Aragorns pleading faces, knowing that they didn't want them to come, then he looked over at the Elves once again.

"Welll….. I guess that you can all come!" He said happily. Aragorn and Gimli looked annoyed and mad.


	3. Spiders, orc, urukhai, and the odd warg

Disclaimer: I don't own LoTR. I just don't so don't sue me.

Warning: Sexual innuendo and swearing.

Thanks for reviewing everyone!

**Mirkwood Revealed (in more ways than one)**

And so, continuing on from the last chapter, the herd of Elves, along with one Man and a Dwarf, set out towards the palace.

Gimli was more than a little creped out by the sheer number of Elves that were following Legolas, as more had joined since they started. And Aragorn was wondering why he didn't have a following like this…..

On the way to the palace they passed a large open field. Legolas stopped and looked at the people in the field. They're were dozens of Elflings and two adult Elves. Along with them there were several cages that you couldn't see into.

"Oh… I remember when I used to do that." He said wistfully. Apparently one of the people in the field heard him because they called him over. He smiled and went right over. Aragorn and Gimli went too because they didn't want to get run over by the Elves that were following Legolas.

"Well children this is Legolas, as many of you know." Said the Elf that had called the prince over. "And he was the best student that I ever had." At this Legolas blushed and looked away.

"Oh I'm sure that you had better students."

"NO!"

"You were the BEST Legolas!"

"There's never going to be anyone better!" Were the yells from the mass behind and to the sides of Aragorn and Gimli.

"What are you talking about?" Aragorn asked the Elf next to him. The Elf glared and didn't say anything for a moment.

"And YOU received the blessed touch of Legolas?" The Elf shook his head and Aragorn let the topic drop. He looked over at Gimli and shrugged. The Dwarf shrugged as well.

"You really were the best student that I EVER had." The 'teacher' said as he patted Legolas on the arm. He turned to the young Elflings. "Would you like to see the Prince in action?" He asked.

"YEAH!" All of the kids yelled.

"You're my idol!" One of the kids, a little girl, said.

"We love you!" Some of the other students said. The teacher looked over at Legolas.

"Will you?" Legolas looked down at all of the eager young faces of the students and thought for a whole like seven hundredth of a second before answering.

"Aw, okay." He said smiling at the little kids. "Just for you guys."

"Well," said the still, and probably forever, unnamed teacher, "I guess that we should let one of our prisoners go then." He gave a symbol to another 'teacher' who was standing next to one of the cages. "This one calls himself Lurtz. Says that he killed someone named Boromir…." (Note: Lurtz is the one that kills Boromir I put him in here because then you'd know what he looks like, even though he was killed. So just ignore that fact or say that he was brought back to life….) At this Aragorn looked pretty pissed. Boromir was gonna be HIS love slave when he got back to Gondor and became king. Him and his little brother too! But Lurtz had killed him. Him being Boromir not the other one… the brother… the one with the slender, attractive and slightly feminine waist.

"You go and get him Legolas." He whispered darkly. "You make him beg for death and when you give it to him, make it long in coming…" Legolas looked at him oddly.

"What the HELL are you TALKING about?" He asked. Aragorn looked confused.

"Aren't you going to… kill him? And… and why isn't he wearing any clothes?" Now all of the Elves were looking at him oddly.

"Ummm no I'm not gonna kill him and he's not wearing clothes cause it's faster. Now watch and learn." At this the second 'teacher' let Lurtz out and told him that if he could get away he was free. Needless to say Lurtz ran like a bat outta Hell. After all he had had enough of these freakishly pretty people, and he wanted to go home, maybe get some tea and read a book and hug his teddy.

All eyes were on Legolas, including his as he was inspecting his nails. Deciding that they were acceptably clean he looked up saw Lurtz running and scoffed.

"Well time to go." And with that he was off stripping all the way la la la. (Bells on bobtails ring…..) Running with his freaky ass Elf speed he caught up with Lurtz in no time. The Uruk-Hai looked over at him and then let out a hysterical scream that sounded like 'sorry teddy!'. He knew what was coming next.

All the Elves, plus Aragorn and Gimli watched as Legolas tackled Lurzt and…

"Aragorn… is it just me or is Legolas screwing that Uruk-Hai?" Aragorn was staring down the field at the two and nodded, not able to say anything. All the Elves, mean while were cheering, even the little ones.

"Gimli… I am permanently scarred for life. I don't think I have ever seen anything as odd as a hot Elven Prince screwing a disgusting Uruk-Hai leader."

"I didn't know that Uruk-Hai could bend that way." Gimli commented as he watched Legolas and his captured Lurtz.

"I guess that it's left over from them once being Elves…" Aragorn replied, "I mean me and Arwen can get into that position sometim-" He stopped and both his and Gimlis eyes got to be about the size of dinner plates. "Okay. We can NOT get THAT position." He said looking a little queasy.

"I didn't know that ANYONE could get that position…" Gimli said looking a little green. "And…. I think that I might hurl…" And hurl he did! Right onto one of the Elves.

After a few minuets Legolas came frolicking back to the group picking up his clothes as he came. Two adult Elves went out, grabbed Lurtz, and forced him back into his cage even as he screamed no.

"Legolas… that was undoubtedly the most horrifying thing that I have EVER seen." Legolas let out a small giggle, yes giggle get over it, and shrugged.

"Then you'll think this is weird too." He said pointing to all of the Elflings would had all lined up.

"What are they doing?" Aragorn asked. Legolas put a finger to his mouth and said

"Sore wa himitsu de-" Oh… wait wrong show that's Slayers.

And said

"That's a secret!" Yeah that's the right way! Ha!

"Wait" The teacher that Legolas had just finished talking to yelled. He made severally symbols to the other Elves that were on the cages and they pulled the doors open. Out came spiders and Orcs and Uruk-Hai and even the odd Warg.

"Wait" The teacher yelled once more. Aragorn was getting really confused and Gimli would have been getting confused if he had been seeing what was going on but he wasn't for he was too busy getting the living shit beat out of him by the Elf that he had gotten sick on.

"Legolas," Aragorn asked once more, "What are they doin-" He was suddenly cut off by the teacher.

"_GO!_" And with that all of the Elfling were off, running after the fleeing Orcs Uruk-Hai spiders and odd wargs.

"Legolas…" Aragorn said as he watched the young Elves. They would get one creature, pull it down, screw it and then run off to find another. The teachers seemed to be keeping score and all of the Elves behind him were cheering for one Elfling or another.

"What are they doing?" Legolas looked over at Aragorn and rolled his eyes.

"It's class, duh. They're learning how to screw things of different species and in the other class they learn how to screw in their sleep... REM… walking dreams…. what ever…. They're learning how to screw when they're not conscious." Aragorn stared at Legolas, not knowing what else to say. Legolas smiled at him, shrugged and then walked off.


End file.
